Nothing Says I Love You Like Saturated Fat and Slutty Lingerie

When I was single I used to blacken February 14th in with a marker on my then antiquated wall calendar. Although I got married a few days before Valentine’s Day (you can read that as ‘idiot bride’), I still don’t like it.

I have always disliked Valentine’s Day for multiple reasons. When you are single and don’t have a date on Valentine’s Day, it shouts out to the world that no one loves you enough to take you to dinner. Instead you consider ‘take-out’ but then the delivery guy will know you are single and probably mark your address in his black book with “desperate single chick” next to it. So you resort to a Trader Joe’s frozen entree or a big bag of your favorite snack to wallow in your self-pity. Nice! What an uplifting holiday, eh?

Or how about when you were in college or high school and someone came up with the brilliant “fundraiser” idea to send a flower to your Valentine for $1 or two. Ugh, this was the worst!  Secretly, every girl hoped she got one. You’d be sitting in class or in the cafeteria and suddenly interrupted by the Pollyanna type who comes bouncing in with the flower delivery (it was probably her idea or she definitely had a boyfriend, so you hated her automatically). Your name wasn’t called so you were hoping that they would get you on the next round. But still nothing. At first you were sad because the guy you had a crush on didn’t give you a flower, and then you thought, what a cheap-ass. But the ultimate worst is when you did get a flower and you read the note and it was from your “friend”. That felt like winning second place in anything.

But even when you do have a Valentine, it’s awkward and costly. If the guy doesn’t take his chick to dinner, she thinks he’s cheap. If he makes her dinner, she thinks he’s romantic and cheap. If he doesn’t get her a gift, she thinks he’s not that serious about her. Then, even if the poor bastard does get a gift, there’s the whole assessment of the gift by her and her girlfriends. He can’t win!

If you think about it, Valentine’s Day is kind of an oxymoron. It suggests that you have to tell someone you love them on that day, which, kind of takes the meaning out of “love” when you are forced to say “I love you” on a specific day – doesn’t it? Then there are those ridiculous red hearts filled with chocolates, enticing men all over the world to give a box to their sweetie, which will ultimately make her ass fat and then they’ll leave her for a skinny chick. Or maybe this maverick opts for slutty lingerie she wouldn’t be caught dead in and even if she would, it’s a gift that really benefits him too, so not really a gift for her. Of course, there’s always the smart guy who opts for grossly overpriced flowers that cost triple what they normally cost and which will inevitably die, just like most relationships and probably the one he’s in right now. It’s useless, no one can win with Valentine’s Day.

So how about you? Are you a hopeless romantic? Or do you dread Valentine’s Day too? Sound off in the comments below.